Having tasted sorrow

With tears in my eyes and thoughts in my mind, I seize my urge to stain the pages of my blog.

This Ramadhan has been a real reflective ground, a means for me to really get to know . . . me. Waiting anxiously for the last ten days, as I first strive through the remaining eight, thoughtfully I write. Reason for this entry? Unknown. . . but needed:

'Such benevolence had my Lord bestowed upon me

Giving me the true feeling of floating ashore.

So, how could I possibly have understood the essence of joy

Without ever having tasted sorrow long before.'

© 2007 Umm Thameenah

Allah (Swt) Knows and We know not

In the heat of the moment we hasten to take shade, contemplating the intense situation in which we are placed. Can this really be? Is this actually for me? We question, ask and ponder over the possibilities of being faced with what we think is far too unbearable. Is it we who know, or Allah (Swt)? So who is it that we question? Our souls – for its weakness? Our hearts – for its hardness? Or ourselves – for our own misunderstanding. For our Lord – Al Aleem (The All Knowing) informs us:

You may like a thing that is bad for you, And you may dislike a thing that is good for you, Allah Knows and you know not.

So when such thoughts enter into thy mind . . . pause . . . reflect, and take heed: For truly . . . there is goodness in all things.

‘When will it all end my Lord?’ She quietly sighs. And refrains from uttering anything else forbidden

To this, her Lord doth Smile at her As He Alone Knows what goodness is kept hidden.

© 2007 Umm Thameenah

Yaa Rabbi. . .

A few days ago, feeling somewhat despondent with my spiritual state, I asked Allah (Swt) to show me a sign. . . Truly the Almighty answers the calls of His servants, for He did exactly that.

For weeks I hadn't experienced the test that I'd been suffering for years - a true Rahma from Allah (Swt). But of course as insaan we are ungrateful to our Lord, and even if we think we are amongst those that give enough shukr, our shukr will always be lacking - for we are forever indebted to Allah (Swt). So foolishly assuming that my 'peaceful', non-testing situation was a call for alarm bells I wanted my Lord to reassure me that He hadn't forsaken me.

And so I did and then. . . it began.

The same test that Al-Halim (The Clement) had taken away from me, had now been given back. 'Be careful with what thy ask for, as Allah (Swt) may just answer your call.'

Yaa Rabbi.

Forgive me, for I know no better

And know not what my tongue did say.

Yaa Rabbi.

Forgive me, for I forgot your Rahma

And asked for something You had taken away.

© 2007 Umm Thameenah

A battling-lone traveller

Like a grain of rice amongst others in the pack, Like a blade of grass amidst the splendid greenary, Like a twinkling star glowing in the vastness of the galaxy, Like a washed over pebble surrounded by a billion others. . .

The feeling is one of utter loneliness.

Over the past week, I have lived and experienced a sense of loneliness that I never quite imagined could exist. As a result of certain decisions that had to be made, this time last week I was packing away the last few items into my travel bag, ready to travel to the next station of my journey to Allah (Swt). But the realisation that I was actually leaving my family for a short period of time, didn't dawn on me until I arrived at my new, temporary abode.

Without a doubt this experience has and, Insha'Allah, will continue to do me a great deal of good. I came to realise how much I dearly loved and missed my family, never truly realising or appreciating their essence. But even more profound, I realised my spiritual weakness and how much I completely and utterly needed the aid and assisstance of Allah (Swt) - our Lord. The sad feeling that almost ruined me was the moment of thinking that Allah (Swt) was no longer protecting me, supporting me and no longer. . . loved me, subhaanAllah, such a feeling is truly destructive.

AlhamduLillahi Rabbil 'alameen, after speaking to one of my dear and beloved companions fillah - who reminded me about the tricks of the shaytaan, I decided I had no choice but to continue to strive, and if it meant struggling, then struggling to fight against his willingness to attack me whilst being by alone. After getting off the phone with my dear companion fillah, I knew what I had to do. I ran to my Lord faster than the shaytaan could even realise and filled my heart with His Remembrance - Allahu Akbar, it felt as though the exact feeling I had lost, came rushing back to me, alhamduLillah.

But how could I let such a thing happen? Why did I allow the shaytaan to attack me with his weapons? And where were mine?

The fact of the matter is; the shaytaan is perched upon the hearts of the believers, just waiting...

He wants nothing more than a single moment of absent mindedness to attack, for that's all he needs. So why do we allow for him to steal such a precious moment, sufficient to destroy everything we have with our Beloved (Swt)?

- We know who our enemy is - but don't realise the extent of his hatred for us.

- We've been shown our weapons - but fail to use them correctly and as often as we should.

- We have our nutrition and vitamins - but do not take them as often as we need.

- Our safe refuge is presented before us everyday - but we simply fail to protect ourselves with it.

Be on your guard and know that the shaytaan has nothing, absolutely nothing over the sincere servants of Allah (Swt), for those that remember Allah (Swt), Allah (Swt) Remembers them, causing the shaytaan to flee.

The battles we have fought against the shaytaan have been numerous, but will only increase by the day: At times the shaytaan may win some battles, whilst we lose some and at other times we will win some and the shaytaan will lose. So, as long as you continue to live, continue to fight against your enemy with all that you have; for it matters not how many battles you lose against the shaytaan - our true enemy, as long as at the end, you do not lose the war.

Has the knowledge of Allah (Swt), about you, ever made you cry?

Isn't it ironic? How we plan for things, in which lay no certainty and neglect the one essence of our existence in which there is no doubt.

I remember the first time qadr ever crossed my mind - approximately six years ago, whilst reading an article in an Islamic magazine. It seem to shed some light on the topic, however I was still left, somewhat, unsure as to what exactly my stance was suppose to be. Since that time, the most profoud explanation that I've come across touched me about ten weeks ago, at a weekend course I was priveleged to attend.

In an explanation of the hadith:

A servant may have spent their life living as a person of Paradise

until there is no more than a hand span between them and it.

And then what has been decreed for them comes into affect;

they start to behave like a person of the Hell-fire and thus they enter it...

By Allah (Swt) this very hadith, though one that undoubtedly brings immense hope for some, fills me with nothing but utter fear. The shivers that trickle down my spine have only but increased over the years, when reading the same hadith.

. . . Last week (six years after reading the first article in an Islamic magazine) I came across two beautifully simple and yet heart-provoking articles on qadr - or to be more precise: 'Feeling face from the plan of Allah(Swt)' and the other entitled: 'Dealing with disappointments'. What can I say? SubhanAllahi wa bihamdih. How amazing, that something you've read so many times before can have such a profound effect when read at a different time in one's life - doesn't it amaze you? As I sat reading the articles, one after the other, I could feel my heart becoming somewhat unsteady, my palms begnning to shake and sweat, and my eyes very quickly swelling with tears. It suddenly dawned on me: What would I do if Allah (Swt) were to take this blessing away from me? How would I ever survivie if it were to be decree that my realisation, my deen, my everything could no longer be 'mine'? What would I do? Allah (Swt) Alone knows the fear that filled me in that single moment. How can any of us feel safe from the plan of Allah (Swt)? How can we plan, plan and plan some more, forgetting the very fact that Allah (Swt) plans may be completely different? How can we feel contently secure that we have a 'ticket to Paradise', thus we'll be saved? All of these questions hurriedly filled my thoughts, invading my soul. It all made perfect sense and the saying of Sufyan ath-Thawri (rahimahullah) conquered my heart:

'Has the knowledge of Allah, about you, ever made you cry?'

Well, if it had never done so before, now it had.

I have always tried to be one that completely trusted in Allah (Swt), sometimes to the extreme. Yet suddenly, it felt as though that very feeling was being taken away from me, that maybe I had an incorrect notion of tawakkul and I'd been fooling myself all along? Or was this merely a trick of the shaytaan, tryng to contaminate my hope and trust in Allah(Swt) with overwheliming fear and dispair?

As these questions toiled around in my mind, I continued reading the article and came across a section that stated:

'When Iblis (shaytaan) disobeyed Allah (Swt),

Angels Mikail and Jibrail (as) started to weep.

Allah (Swt) asked them (and of course Allah Knows all things

and merely asks to benefit us), why are you weeping?

They replied: 'we do not feel safe from your plan'.

and what was Allah (Swt) response to them?

'That is how you should be'.

SubhaanAllahi wa bihamdih, subhaanAllahil Adheem! 'That is how you should be?' These are two honoured servants of Allah (Swt): Mikail and Jibrail, who do not disobey Allah (Swt) in any of His commands, so what about us? How should we possibly be?

Truly Allah (Swt) is so Merciful. Allah (Swt) Was fully aware of how these thoughts were beginning to effect me. Although much good came out of this experience, in my heart of hearts I knew something was wrong. If Allah (Swt) is All that I'm concerned with, The Only One I depend upon, My everything, how and why would my Lord (Swt) ever take this away from me? No doubt that what takes place in a person's life is only by their own doing, as Allah (Swt) is Al-'Adl (The Just), thus injustice is not from His way. So, alhamduLillahi Rabbil 'alameen, it suddenly dawned on me, light suddenly filled my soul and it felt as though there was suddenly hope again.

Yesterday, as I sat discussing this very issue with two of my dear companions fillah, feeling quite emotional and overtaken by the thought of my Beloved (Swt) ever leaving me, I begun repeating: 'my Lord will not leave me, my Lord will not leave me. My Lord will not let me die as anything other than a Muslim, Insha'Allah!'. . . It all came back to me, thus I continued: 'The trust has to be there, as we shouldn't think that Allah (Swt) will give us what we want, we should know that He will, as Allah (Swt) Is as His servant thinks He Is'. . . That was it! Yes we must fear Allah (Swt), for He(Swt) Knows what we know not, however that fear has to be balanced with having hope in Him (Mosh High) aswell.

You see, I assumed that I was flying gracefully towards my Lord, thus neglecting my injured wing of hope, and preoccupying myself with continuing my journey; wishfully thinking that my head of love, for my Lord, and my other wing of fear, would aid me. I had failed to realise that - remaining like that, an injured and vulnerable bird - I would never be able to complete my journey and reach my destination successfully.

"The heart, in its journey to Allah, Majestic is He, is like a bird:

Love is its head, and fear and hope are its wings.

When the head and two wings are sound, the bird flies gracefully;

If the head is severed, the bird dies;

If the bird loses one of its wings, it then becomes a target fo every hunter or predator."

[Ibn Qayyim - rahimahullah- cited in 'The Exquisite Pearl']

All Glory be to my Lord (Swt) Who Has now healed my injured wing, enabling me to continue upon my journey, Insha'Allah gracefully, towards Him (Swt).

Have you ever been in-love?

Has it ever amazed you? . . . The Magnitude of Allah (Swt)? Have you ever stopped to just contemplate and ponder over it?

For a while I've appreciated The Magnificence and Greatness of Allah's (Swt) Hikmah; His incomprehensible Hikmah, that encompasses all things. And although I’ve simply accepted the decree of my Lord, unfortunately that hasn't always been with a content heart; nevertheless I’ve always accepted it. Now, however, not only is it an essence that I've come to truly appreciate, but it is one that I have completely grown to love.

As I sit writing these words, it occurs to me that they are nothing more than a precious glimpse of the feelings and emotions that have rendered my heart intoxicated - with love.

How many married sisters remember the day they glanced over at their husband and realised in that single moment, that they were in love? And how many sisters remember the day they gave birth and the love and happiness that filled their hearts? Although these examples are realities of life, the true love that I speak of is one that fills all hearts, without an atoms weight being left untouched.

Imagine being kept awake as a result of such an immense love. Imagine having your mind filled for every second of your waking moment, with thoughts of The One that fills your mind. Imagine losing major desires, due to them being suppressed by your Beloved; to the extent that water no longer quenches your thirst, food no longer feeds your hunger and oxygen no longer feels like the most significant matter for one’s heart.

Imagine being so in awe of Someone that you want nothing more than to be with The One with Whom you are in love. This feeling is one that has illuminated my heart, mind and soul, to the extent that nothing else matters anymore, absolutely nothing, except Allah (Swt). For I have come to realise and understand exactly what it is that my heart and soul have been missing, thus how can I possibly resist?

This feeling; the pinnacle of my happiness and the abode of my heart, sometimes makes me feel insane – positively insane. And as if that were not enough of a rahmah, the fact that it has been specifically decreed by my Beloved (Swt) - Himself, only but increases my love for Him.

So sincerely ask yourself: Have I ever truly been in-love? If so, you'll know that such a feeling is one that cannot truly be described. It's a feeling so profound that words simply have to do without, a realisation so intense that comprehension seems too inconceivable and an honour so great that it renders it beyond worldly belief.

‘There is a servant who has left his own soul behind, who is attached to his Lord’s remembrance, who is steadfast in fulfilling His rights; who looks to Him with his heart, his heart burning with the lights of His Divine awe. Allah Has purified his draught that he has drunk, from the cup of His Divine Love. The All-Mighty Has raised for him the veils of the Unseen. When he talks, it is for the sake of Allah; when he utters, it is about Allah; when he moves, it is by the command of Allah; when he rests, it is with Allah. He is for Allah, by Allah, with Allah.’

[Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) from Abu Bakr al-Kattani, sited in ‘The Exquisite Pearl: The journey to Allah & The home of the Hereafter’, p.10.]

A reason to smile

How truly amazing I felt yesterday. . . Why? To be completely honest I wouldn't know where to begin; but I simply wanted to share my happiness with the world. . .

It has been about five months since I begun my magnificent journey. An unpredictable and yet magnificent journey, unraveling hidden secrets, silent promises and heart-provoking realities. My journey is actually one of irony, tainted with naive-ignorance and the underlying echoes of yearning. Yearning and longing for so much more. So much more than what this world strove to offer me.

The beginning of my realisation marks the beginning of this journey, my journey, our journey. For each and every one of us are travellers, lost travellers journeying towards our forgotten homes. Some of us have remembered, whilst others have chosen to forget.

Over six and a half years ago I thought my journey had begun, looking back, maybe it had, but many many things failed to be present. For how can a traveller be successful along their journey without provisions? How can they achieve their goal without knowledge of their destination or of how to get there? How can a traveller really succeed along the path of their journey, whilst remaining ignorant of what path to tread upon? Well you see, six and a half years ago, I was a new-traveller, one that merely wanted to pack their luggage and be on their way, without ever looking back; and so I did.

But there was a problem, a big problem. I had failed on all of the above questions, mistakenly believing that I was treading successfully along my journey; when rather I had been filled with nothing more than false hopes. As I sit here remembering those chapters of my life, I cannot simply rip out the pages and be done with them, no, of course not, as they are crucial parts of my life; chapters that make up my completed story - having played a significant part of my journey. However, these chapters have now been closed, not for good, just temporarily closed.

So yesterday as I awoke to another blessed day of my journey - filling another page of my life, my soul was immersed with so much happiness and contentment. Walking through my local superstore I wanted nothing more than to proclaim to all: 'Can't you see my excitement! Can't you hear my joy! Look! Look! Look at me! No I'm not oppressed! I'm not sad! And I'm certainly not mad! On the contrary, for I've been given the cure for madness - Islam!' I wanted nothing more than to have them hear my inner-screams, only to enable them to harbour within themselves, what it is that I have so grown to love and long for . . . Allah (Swt).

My Lord (Swt) has honoured me with something that, truly. . . words will never be able to do justice to; a realisation and understanding that would instantly break all hearts; a love and longing in my heart that is only sufficient for my Beloved-Allah (Swt).

So you see, as I awoke to the sound of the birds perched upon my garden tree making dhikr and my heart ever so swift in joining them; I knew, I had a reason to smile.