Here and Now...

When I first arrived in Saudi Arabia, the 'culture shock' (that many took the liberty of kindly informing me about) was something I quickly adjusted to -alhamdulillah. Having resided here for three and a half months now, I can honestly say, I've only just begun to really appreciate the significant difference between my previous home and my present one, alhamdulillah.

The most difficult experience I've had to deal with since moving abroad, has been the absence of family members and, that of dear companions. It's not easy, no one ever said it would be, however with the grace and mercy of my Beloved (Subhaanahu wa ta'ala) it will become easier, insha'Allah. I've always considered myself to be someone that just simply 'gets on with it', despite where I am and what I'm having to deal with. And though I still somewhat consider this to be the case, I must admit: new environments; new people; new situations and everything that comes along with it, beckons a new discovery - the latest true self.

It might sound ironic but it's very easy to assume we know who we are. If you were to ponder this and truly assess the 'true you' - known only to Allah (Suhaanahu wa ta'ala) - the tested you, what would you fiind? For me, having to adjust to a new environment and 'find myself' - yet again - drew me to some home truths, enabling me to comprehend I was merely travelling along discovering small 'sheltered glimpses' of whom and what Allah had trained me to be.

A couple of weeks ago, during my visit to London, I met up with a couple of companions, an opportunity to 'catch - up' and enjoy one another's company once again, alhamdulillah. Sitting amongst them in their beautiful company was, and has always been, a gift from Allah (Subhaanahu wa ta'ala). If I could, I would have stayed with them the whole night through. . .

Yes, my heart still longs for my beloved family; dear friends and even London itself - for the very place in which my Lord chose for me to be 'directed', 'guided' and where my affairs were beautifully facilitated, will always have its unique place in my heart.

Here and now, this is me; my life; my world; my discoveries... until this temporary abode directs me to my final one, insha'Allah.

An Oasis of Sunshine...

Isn't it amazing? You know ... the warm, squirmy feeling you get when you realise ... it's actually possible for your heart to feel true, sincere and indescribable .... love.

It's been over a year and a half; since I 're-discovered' a gift that changed my life... for good. To be precise it all started in Ramadhan 1427 - Oct/Nov 2006, when Allah (Swt) bestowed upon me a spiritual urge, the realisation that: Allah is with those that remember Him [Ibn Hanbal, Musnad, 10553]. If I asked you, who the noblest of human beings are, what would you say? Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya (rahimahullah ta'ala) beautifully informs:

"The noblest of human beings who revere Allah is the man whose tongue is ever moist with His remembrance, who reveres Him through His laws and makes remembrance his watchword. For by his reverence will he achieve recompense and reward - to enter Paradise and be delivered from Hell.

By his remembrance will he achieve a spiritual station: nearness and intimacy with Allah (Swt)."

In fact dear readers, Ibn Qayyim (may Allah truly have mercy upon his soul, ameen) also states in 'The Invocation of God' that nothing is sufficient to resemble Allah (Swt) relationship with someone who remembers Him. "The relationship is even more particular than the one that occurs to the doers of good deeds or the reverent. Beyond expression or description, it is something known through direct experience."

Alhamdulillah, everyday, succeeding the moment I realised how much I needed, and will always need, to be near my Lord (Swt), has been an amazing learning curb. For those that have followed my journey, our magnificent journey, since January 2007, you're probably aware of the states - stations, tests - hardships, ups and downs of it all. You'll remember my: 'penny-drop' moments, 'sweetness of faith' realisations and my 'silent inner cries', alhamdulillah. The feeling I am inclined to disclose to you all is, to me, like one of those; 'I can't believe this is happening to me' moments. You know when you've longed and waited for something so much, so intensely, and yet as much as you've longed for that special something, there was always an atoms weight of doubt lingering at the back of your mind - will I ever really get there?

Recently, Allah (Swt) blessed me with something that touched the core of my heart and the depths of my soul. As I sat contemplating what this blessing meant, I cried, in a way that I hadn't cried for a while. Alhamdulillah, some of you know that I write for a few organisations, one of them being SISTERS Magazine (may Allah bless all their writers, ameen). Whilst those of you that simply know me as Umm Thameenah will have seen this 'disguise' besides a number of my works, insha'Allah. Alhamdulillah, I've been writing since I was eleven years old, masha'Allah, and have always viewed my writings as precious - 'my precious babies'. So when Allah (Swt) gave me the opportunity to write something, an article, on a topic that, (anyone who knows me will testify) couldn't have been a more beloved topic for me to address. Not only was the topic one of my favourites, but the notion that it would be read, shared and, insha'Allah, benefitted from, was overwhelming.

The topic 'The Greatest Love of All' is one that resides in my heart, lingers in my soul and brings true warmth to my self-being. Alhamdulillah, as I use a pseudonym, only a hand-full of sisters are aware of my published works, thus it enabled me to do what it is that Muslim writers should always feel free to do ... write simply for the sake of seeking Allah's (Swt) Pleasure.

For what is the use in writing something just for the sake of seekig approval, being praised, loved or honoured? No thank you. Let me be completely honest with you all, when I sat reading Issue 6 of SISTERS Magazine: 'Love is All Around', it reaffirmed and strengthened in me, what my heart had been trying to tell me all along. SubhaanAllah, my heart would silently cry through dark lonely nights as a result of me not acknowledging a basic fact ... this heart has no room for temporary fulfilments; for the pleasure of Allah (Swt) is all it truly seeks.

As one course lecturer once stated: "Modernity teaches: 'you are free to do what you want. But Islam, frees you from wants".

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillhi Rabbil 'alameen. Dear readers, I am free, free from the unattainable wants, baseless desires and insignificant concerns and worries of this temporary world. So, the futile and idle pursuits of this transient world will just have to find another victim to pursue.

And just as I narrate these inner thoughts to you, the words once spoken to me by my secondary school History teacher comes to mind:

"You are an oasis of sunshine in a mad forsaken world."

And that, dear readers, is now exactly as I feel, alhamdulillah :-)

Our forgotten reality

There are no words to really describe the feeling of loss. . . The feeling as though something you've known, loved and cherised can so easily be taken away.

The reality of our life remains misunderstood. We are the possessions of Allah (Swt) and He (Swt) can do with us, whatever He (Swt) Wills. Yet through His immeasurable Mercy and Kindness, He provides us with the perfect means to seek His love. A love that awakens hearts and fulfills empty souls - the true sweetness of emaan.

How many times I'd pondered over this saying; the sweetness of emaan, and wondered what it truly meant. Now, whether Allah (Swt) has ever bestowed its treasures upon me, He (Swt) Knows Best, however the pearls and jewels that He (Swt) has enable me to witness; the sweetness that has touched my heart and soul is. . . truly beyond description, leaving no words to do justice to its weight.

. . . So I ask (myself first and foremost), what has been prepared for the standing before Allah (Swt)?

A battling-lone traveller

Like a grain of rice amongst others in the pack, Like a blade of grass amidst the splendid greenary, Like a twinkling star glowing in the vastness of the galaxy, Like a washed over pebble surrounded by a billion others. . .

The feeling is one of utter loneliness.

Over the past week, I have lived and experienced a sense of loneliness that I never quite imagined could exist. As a result of certain decisions that had to be made, this time last week I was packing away the last few items into my travel bag, ready to travel to the next station of my journey to Allah (Swt). But the realisation that I was actually leaving my family for a short period of time, didn't dawn on me until I arrived at my new, temporary abode.

Without a doubt this experience has and, Insha'Allah, will continue to do me a great deal of good. I came to realise how much I dearly loved and missed my family, never truly realising or appreciating their essence. But even more profound, I realised my spiritual weakness and how much I completely and utterly needed the aid and assisstance of Allah (Swt) - our Lord. The sad feeling that almost ruined me was the moment of thinking that Allah (Swt) was no longer protecting me, supporting me and no longer. . . loved me, subhaanAllah, such a feeling is truly destructive.

AlhamduLillahi Rabbil 'alameen, after speaking to one of my dear and beloved companions fillah - who reminded me about the tricks of the shaytaan, I decided I had no choice but to continue to strive, and if it meant struggling, then struggling to fight against his willingness to attack me whilst being by alone. After getting off the phone with my dear companion fillah, I knew what I had to do. I ran to my Lord faster than the shaytaan could even realise and filled my heart with His Remembrance - Allahu Akbar, it felt as though the exact feeling I had lost, came rushing back to me, alhamduLillah.

But how could I let such a thing happen? Why did I allow the shaytaan to attack me with his weapons? And where were mine?

The fact of the matter is; the shaytaan is perched upon the hearts of the believers, just waiting...

He wants nothing more than a single moment of absent mindedness to attack, for that's all he needs. So why do we allow for him to steal such a precious moment, sufficient to destroy everything we have with our Beloved (Swt)?

- We know who our enemy is - but don't realise the extent of his hatred for us.

- We've been shown our weapons - but fail to use them correctly and as often as we should.

- We have our nutrition and vitamins - but do not take them as often as we need.

- Our safe refuge is presented before us everyday - but we simply fail to protect ourselves with it.

Be on your guard and know that the shaytaan has nothing, absolutely nothing over the sincere servants of Allah (Swt), for those that remember Allah (Swt), Allah (Swt) Remembers them, causing the shaytaan to flee.

The battles we have fought against the shaytaan have been numerous, but will only increase by the day: At times the shaytaan may win some battles, whilst we lose some and at other times we will win some and the shaytaan will lose. So, as long as you continue to live, continue to fight against your enemy with all that you have; for it matters not how many battles you lose against the shaytaan - our true enemy, as long as at the end, you do not lose the war.

Has the knowledge of Allah (Swt), about you, ever made you cry?

Isn't it ironic? How we plan for things, in which lay no certainty and neglect the one essence of our existence in which there is no doubt.

I remember the first time qadr ever crossed my mind - approximately six years ago, whilst reading an article in an Islamic magazine. It seem to shed some light on the topic, however I was still left, somewhat, unsure as to what exactly my stance was suppose to be. Since that time, the most profoud explanation that I've come across touched me about ten weeks ago, at a weekend course I was priveleged to attend.

In an explanation of the hadith:

A servant may have spent their life living as a person of Paradise

until there is no more than a hand span between them and it.

And then what has been decreed for them comes into affect;

they start to behave like a person of the Hell-fire and thus they enter it...

By Allah (Swt) this very hadith, though one that undoubtedly brings immense hope for some, fills me with nothing but utter fear. The shivers that trickle down my spine have only but increased over the years, when reading the same hadith.

. . . Last week (six years after reading the first article in an Islamic magazine) I came across two beautifully simple and yet heart-provoking articles on qadr - or to be more precise: 'Feeling face from the plan of Allah(Swt)' and the other entitled: 'Dealing with disappointments'. What can I say? SubhanAllahi wa bihamdih. How amazing, that something you've read so many times before can have such a profound effect when read at a different time in one's life - doesn't it amaze you? As I sat reading the articles, one after the other, I could feel my heart becoming somewhat unsteady, my palms begnning to shake and sweat, and my eyes very quickly swelling with tears. It suddenly dawned on me: What would I do if Allah (Swt) were to take this blessing away from me? How would I ever survivie if it were to be decree that my realisation, my deen, my everything could no longer be 'mine'? What would I do? Allah (Swt) Alone knows the fear that filled me in that single moment. How can any of us feel safe from the plan of Allah (Swt)? How can we plan, plan and plan some more, forgetting the very fact that Allah (Swt) plans may be completely different? How can we feel contently secure that we have a 'ticket to Paradise', thus we'll be saved? All of these questions hurriedly filled my thoughts, invading my soul. It all made perfect sense and the saying of Sufyan ath-Thawri (rahimahullah) conquered my heart:

'Has the knowledge of Allah, about you, ever made you cry?'

Well, if it had never done so before, now it had.

I have always tried to be one that completely trusted in Allah (Swt), sometimes to the extreme. Yet suddenly, it felt as though that very feeling was being taken away from me, that maybe I had an incorrect notion of tawakkul and I'd been fooling myself all along? Or was this merely a trick of the shaytaan, tryng to contaminate my hope and trust in Allah(Swt) with overwheliming fear and dispair?

As these questions toiled around in my mind, I continued reading the article and came across a section that stated:

'When Iblis (shaytaan) disobeyed Allah (Swt),

Angels Mikail and Jibrail (as) started to weep.

Allah (Swt) asked them (and of course Allah Knows all things

and merely asks to benefit us), why are you weeping?

They replied: 'we do not feel safe from your plan'.

and what was Allah (Swt) response to them?

'That is how you should be'.

SubhaanAllahi wa bihamdih, subhaanAllahil Adheem! 'That is how you should be?' These are two honoured servants of Allah (Swt): Mikail and Jibrail, who do not disobey Allah (Swt) in any of His commands, so what about us? How should we possibly be?

Truly Allah (Swt) is so Merciful. Allah (Swt) Was fully aware of how these thoughts were beginning to effect me. Although much good came out of this experience, in my heart of hearts I knew something was wrong. If Allah (Swt) is All that I'm concerned with, The Only One I depend upon, My everything, how and why would my Lord (Swt) ever take this away from me? No doubt that what takes place in a person's life is only by their own doing, as Allah (Swt) is Al-'Adl (The Just), thus injustice is not from His way. So, alhamduLillahi Rabbil 'alameen, it suddenly dawned on me, light suddenly filled my soul and it felt as though there was suddenly hope again.

Yesterday, as I sat discussing this very issue with two of my dear companions fillah, feeling quite emotional and overtaken by the thought of my Beloved (Swt) ever leaving me, I begun repeating: 'my Lord will not leave me, my Lord will not leave me. My Lord will not let me die as anything other than a Muslim, Insha'Allah!'. . . It all came back to me, thus I continued: 'The trust has to be there, as we shouldn't think that Allah (Swt) will give us what we want, we should know that He will, as Allah (Swt) Is as His servant thinks He Is'. . . That was it! Yes we must fear Allah (Swt), for He(Swt) Knows what we know not, however that fear has to be balanced with having hope in Him (Mosh High) aswell.

You see, I assumed that I was flying gracefully towards my Lord, thus neglecting my injured wing of hope, and preoccupying myself with continuing my journey; wishfully thinking that my head of love, for my Lord, and my other wing of fear, would aid me. I had failed to realise that - remaining like that, an injured and vulnerable bird - I would never be able to complete my journey and reach my destination successfully.

"The heart, in its journey to Allah, Majestic is He, is like a bird:

Love is its head, and fear and hope are its wings.

When the head and two wings are sound, the bird flies gracefully;

If the head is severed, the bird dies;

If the bird loses one of its wings, it then becomes a target fo every hunter or predator."

[Ibn Qayyim - rahimahullah- cited in 'The Exquisite Pearl']

All Glory be to my Lord (Swt) Who Has now healed my injured wing, enabling me to continue upon my journey, Insha'Allah gracefully, towards Him (Swt).

Have you ever been in-love?

Has it ever amazed you? . . . The Magnitude of Allah (Swt)? Have you ever stopped to just contemplate and ponder over it?

For a while I've appreciated The Magnificence and Greatness of Allah's (Swt) Hikmah; His incomprehensible Hikmah, that encompasses all things. And although I’ve simply accepted the decree of my Lord, unfortunately that hasn't always been with a content heart; nevertheless I’ve always accepted it. Now, however, not only is it an essence that I've come to truly appreciate, but it is one that I have completely grown to love.

As I sit writing these words, it occurs to me that they are nothing more than a precious glimpse of the feelings and emotions that have rendered my heart intoxicated - with love.

How many married sisters remember the day they glanced over at their husband and realised in that single moment, that they were in love? And how many sisters remember the day they gave birth and the love and happiness that filled their hearts? Although these examples are realities of life, the true love that I speak of is one that fills all hearts, without an atoms weight being left untouched.

Imagine being kept awake as a result of such an immense love. Imagine having your mind filled for every second of your waking moment, with thoughts of The One that fills your mind. Imagine losing major desires, due to them being suppressed by your Beloved; to the extent that water no longer quenches your thirst, food no longer feeds your hunger and oxygen no longer feels like the most significant matter for one’s heart.

Imagine being so in awe of Someone that you want nothing more than to be with The One with Whom you are in love. This feeling is one that has illuminated my heart, mind and soul, to the extent that nothing else matters anymore, absolutely nothing, except Allah (Swt). For I have come to realise and understand exactly what it is that my heart and soul have been missing, thus how can I possibly resist?

This feeling; the pinnacle of my happiness and the abode of my heart, sometimes makes me feel insane – positively insane. And as if that were not enough of a rahmah, the fact that it has been specifically decreed by my Beloved (Swt) - Himself, only but increases my love for Him.

So sincerely ask yourself: Have I ever truly been in-love? If so, you'll know that such a feeling is one that cannot truly be described. It's a feeling so profound that words simply have to do without, a realisation so intense that comprehension seems too inconceivable and an honour so great that it renders it beyond worldly belief.

‘There is a servant who has left his own soul behind, who is attached to his Lord’s remembrance, who is steadfast in fulfilling His rights; who looks to Him with his heart, his heart burning with the lights of His Divine awe. Allah Has purified his draught that he has drunk, from the cup of His Divine Love. The All-Mighty Has raised for him the veils of the Unseen. When he talks, it is for the sake of Allah; when he utters, it is about Allah; when he moves, it is by the command of Allah; when he rests, it is with Allah. He is for Allah, by Allah, with Allah.’

[Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) from Abu Bakr al-Kattani, sited in ‘The Exquisite Pearl: The journey to Allah & The home of the Hereafter’, p.10.]

My heart's yearning. . .

Everyday my heart yearns for my Beloved Lord (Swt), and to be honest with you, I don't think that it will ever stop yearning, until The Day I return to Him. . . So until then, I shall fill the emptiness in my heart with the remembrance of my Lord (Swt) - for nothing else is quite sufficient.

I have come to realise,

that I am a lover of life.

But what I love most about it is death,

And the belief of finding a better life

after this one.

~Nasirah bint Loukman~