My tears have now gone dry...

Have you ever stopped and wondered, wondered why certain things occur in the manner in which they do? Do you ever wonder why you keep being tested with the same situation again and again? Sometimes these thoughts cross my mind and then I have to stop, take a deep breath and revaluate. . . To be completely honest, the answer is really quite simple, thus I put myself to the test: Do you ask Allah (Swt) to forgive you your sins? All of them? Are you amongst those that ask Allah (Swt) to protect you from committing future sins? But then what? What do you do? Do you make every effort to make tawbah (repentance) every single night before going to sleep? No, for you probably exert extra caution in ensuring that you don’t displease your Lord in the first place? (Hmm?) Dear readers, if we really think about it – who are we fooling? Certainly not The Lord of the Worlds, for it is our soul alone that we are gambling with.

Why do we forget the effects of our trials a mere a few days after having experienced it? Were the shed tears not sufficient to remind us of the ache our heart painfully bore? When I think of my situations: tests; trials; as well as the blessings from Allah (Swt), I can’t help but wonder if my ‘re-living’ the actions again and again is as a result of my failure to produce worthy outcomes.

I recently brought myself to admit this reality: the beguilement of the soul by my very own pretences: ‘sweet hope’. I thought my wishful thinking had gained me true hope, but rather, maybe, it just simply covered my eyes with fake, often too familiar, wool. So as I sat, pondering; feeling sad and on the brink of despondency, something, not quite sure what or how, but something hit me and the heavy grey cloud hanging over my head begun to slowly disperse, with sudden beams of ray seeping through my thoughts. No! I refuse to believe that my Lord wants me to be filled with despondency. Of course we must ponder; reflect; and most certainly call ourselves to account, but to begin to lose hope – no, for verily that is tantamount to disbelief. So yes, I must continue to reflect and question – my own self – whilst simultaneously resting my heart assured that things will never be exactly as we want . . . and that’s okay, for we do not live for ourselves, we live for our Lord (Swt). Thus as long as we continue to strive and seek His pleasure wholeheartedly, with no corruption of the heart being present, then what could possibly be more comforting?

Well, of course a sign or indication that one is heading in the right direction would be great, however how exactly is one to know when that sign or indication arrives? So as I bring myself back to reality, I must remind my soul that this journey must still go on.

Over the rocky hills and mountains, through the deep ice-cold lakes and oceans and upon unpredictable terrain. . . the journey must still go on.

So as I sit wiping away at my tears and thanking Allah (Swt) for the trials that go experienced again and again and again, I feel a sense of contented victory at the fact that He (Swt) Knows me, not as I know myself, but far greater.

“If they repent then I am their beloved friend, for I love those who repent and I love those who purify themselves. If they do not repent, I am their physician (tabeebuhum), and I will try them with afflictions to cleanse them of their faults.”

[Ibn Qayyim (rh), ‘The Invocation of God’, p.83]

Alhamdulillah (all praises are to Allah), for my heart has once again found contentment - sweet and peaceful contentment. Thus I pause, reflect and sigh . . . Alhamdulillah . . . for my tears have now gone dry.

'Seeing the Good ... in Everything'

You must have felt like that before? Unsure of how to respond to a particular situation ... due to being unsure of what the situation truly meant.

Not very long ago a companion of mine broke some news to me, some news that would affect her life in a way that I simply couldn't understand. Yet, through such a testing time Allah (Swt) gave her the courage to remind me; "and it may be that you hate a thing though it is good for you; and love a thing though it is bad for you, Allah Knows and you know not." [Surah Al-Baqarah(2):216]

Truly I marvel at certain situations; the fact that sisters such as she - my dear companions - truly are unaware of how they give me strength, through their own ability to harbour it. So, as my companion informed me of her situation she so bravely concluded with a quote which, she probably has no idea, has stood as one of my bedrocks. Through testing times I have found immense solace and contentment, like nothing felt before. Dear readers, do not belittle the effect of a few words, for it may be those words that save a soul from destruction and consequently, gain you the ultimate love and pleasure of Allah (Swt). So I relate to you, what my companion related to me:

"When I wake up, I do not care what happens to me; whether it is good for me or bad for me, for I neither know whether it is good or bad. [And I trust in the decree of my Lord (Swt)]". [Umar ibn al-Khattab (ru)]

When hearing such beautiful and polished words, how can one not feel at ease? With the worries and concerns of this dunya quickly deteriorating . . . With that timeless quote in mind, I shall share with you a treasured moment of mine:

I remember a day I felt completely un-phased with the life of this world, briskly walking through the heavy rain to my parked car, with my intuition beginning to kick in: something was about to happen. I got into my car and drove out from a side road, after double-checking the roads were clear in both directions. Suddenly, all I could hear was an incredibly loud "BEEEEEEEEEP! " The sound of a horn - an automatic warning that something was wrong. As I turned to my right I could see the car coming towards me at full speed and all I could think of was ... I was not going to make it. I closed my eyes and just waited, waited for the vehicle to crash into the right side of my car, and for my body to feel its complete impact. . .

When I opened my eyes, to my amazement, nothing had occurred. By the grace of Allah (swt) the man's car had stopped no more than about half a centimetre from mine. He appeared furious, as though he was just waiting to deal with me. As I sat shaking my head, the man became even more angered and so decided to get out of his car and walk towards me. He angrily inquired as to why I was shaking my head, to which I simply replied through teary eyes: "The strange thing is, I had a feeling something was going to happen today, but I'm just so thankful to God that nothing did." To my amazement the man looked at me with sympathetic eyes, all signs of his anger quickly vanishing and he responded, "God was on our side."

Dear readers, the thought that my Lord (swt) enabled that man, even if it be for just one moment, to remember Him (swt), is a treasured moment. One that I have chosen not to forget... alhamdulillah.

An Oasis of Sunshine...

Isn't it amazing? You know ... the warm, squirmy feeling you get when you realise ... it's actually possible for your heart to feel true, sincere and indescribable .... love.

It's been over a year and a half; since I 're-discovered' a gift that changed my life... for good. To be precise it all started in Ramadhan 1427 - Oct/Nov 2006, when Allah (Swt) bestowed upon me a spiritual urge, the realisation that: Allah is with those that remember Him [Ibn Hanbal, Musnad, 10553]. If I asked you, who the noblest of human beings are, what would you say? Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya (rahimahullah ta'ala) beautifully informs:

"The noblest of human beings who revere Allah is the man whose tongue is ever moist with His remembrance, who reveres Him through His laws and makes remembrance his watchword. For by his reverence will he achieve recompense and reward - to enter Paradise and be delivered from Hell.

By his remembrance will he achieve a spiritual station: nearness and intimacy with Allah (Swt)."

In fact dear readers, Ibn Qayyim (may Allah truly have mercy upon his soul, ameen) also states in 'The Invocation of God' that nothing is sufficient to resemble Allah (Swt) relationship with someone who remembers Him. "The relationship is even more particular than the one that occurs to the doers of good deeds or the reverent. Beyond expression or description, it is something known through direct experience."

Alhamdulillah, everyday, succeeding the moment I realised how much I needed, and will always need, to be near my Lord (Swt), has been an amazing learning curb. For those that have followed my journey, our magnificent journey, since January 2007, you're probably aware of the states - stations, tests - hardships, ups and downs of it all. You'll remember my: 'penny-drop' moments, 'sweetness of faith' realisations and my 'silent inner cries', alhamdulillah. The feeling I am inclined to disclose to you all is, to me, like one of those; 'I can't believe this is happening to me' moments. You know when you've longed and waited for something so much, so intensely, and yet as much as you've longed for that special something, there was always an atoms weight of doubt lingering at the back of your mind - will I ever really get there?

Recently, Allah (Swt) blessed me with something that touched the core of my heart and the depths of my soul. As I sat contemplating what this blessing meant, I cried, in a way that I hadn't cried for a while. Alhamdulillah, some of you know that I write for a few organisations, one of them being SISTERS Magazine (may Allah bless all their writers, ameen). Whilst those of you that simply know me as Umm Thameenah will have seen this 'disguise' besides a number of my works, insha'Allah. Alhamdulillah, I've been writing since I was eleven years old, masha'Allah, and have always viewed my writings as precious - 'my precious babies'. So when Allah (Swt) gave me the opportunity to write something, an article, on a topic that, (anyone who knows me will testify) couldn't have been a more beloved topic for me to address. Not only was the topic one of my favourites, but the notion that it would be read, shared and, insha'Allah, benefitted from, was overwhelming.

The topic 'The Greatest Love of All' is one that resides in my heart, lingers in my soul and brings true warmth to my self-being. Alhamdulillah, as I use a pseudonym, only a hand-full of sisters are aware of my published works, thus it enabled me to do what it is that Muslim writers should always feel free to do ... write simply for the sake of seeking Allah's (Swt) Pleasure.

For what is the use in writing something just for the sake of seekig approval, being praised, loved or honoured? No thank you. Let me be completely honest with you all, when I sat reading Issue 6 of SISTERS Magazine: 'Love is All Around', it reaffirmed and strengthened in me, what my heart had been trying to tell me all along. SubhaanAllah, my heart would silently cry through dark lonely nights as a result of me not acknowledging a basic fact ... this heart has no room for temporary fulfilments; for the pleasure of Allah (Swt) is all it truly seeks.

As one course lecturer once stated: "Modernity teaches: 'you are free to do what you want. But Islam, frees you from wants".

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillhi Rabbil 'alameen. Dear readers, I am free, free from the unattainable wants, baseless desires and insignificant concerns and worries of this temporary world. So, the futile and idle pursuits of this transient world will just have to find another victim to pursue.

And just as I narrate these inner thoughts to you, the words once spoken to me by my secondary school History teacher comes to mind:

"You are an oasis of sunshine in a mad forsaken world."

And that, dear readers, is now exactly as I feel, alhamdulillah :-)

A Beauty of Islam

The expression on her face was almost one of disgust. As she entered the doorway, she stood, stroking her straight blond hair, its length just above her shoulders. Her presence was one of formality; confidence and professionalism clearly evident in her stance. Though her appearnace was one of a casual form; a fitted white t-shirt coupled with straight black trousers somehow only emphasized her formality. I easily imagined her questioning the stupidty of my attire, my naive reluctance to accepting whatever excuse 'he' (probably assuming I were married) had given me for why I must be dressed as I was. Of course these words were not uttered; but having heard more than my share of 'innocent comments', I could pretty much sense what was coming next... "So tell me something?" She began. "Why do you have your face covered and she doesn't?" She looked towards my colleague, who was wearing a hijab (headscarf) and jilbab (outer garment) and then back at me. I knew whatever answer I gave, I'd most certainly have to speak with wisdom, or ... remain silent...

Through her short time with me and my colleagues, all of whom wear the Islamic attire, she smiled, joked and laughed. Realising that we teachers; Muslim teachers were just as sociable as any other teacher, she said: "I really like you guys, you're all really lovely". Suddenly our "costumes" and the difference in our beliefs seemed not to be a barrier, on the contrary, it was a means of comfort to both parties.

... Just before leaving, she turned towards me, waiting for an answer to her question. Eyes gazing at me, as though she'd been waiting for this opportunity for some time now. "Well you see," I began. "Imagine a teacher said to her students 'if you complete questions 1 to 10, I'll be so pleased with you'." I paused, wondering whether the 'teacher-student' scenario would work with her. "However," I continued "if you attempt questions 1 to 20, I'll be even happier'." I gave her time to follow my train of thought before concluding. "Well ... I'm the student doing questions 1 to 20". As I ended my explanation she smiled, letting out a small sound of laughter. As I returned the smile, she begun to nod her head in agreement, somehow satisfied by the response. I accompanied her on her way out, not forgetting to shake her hand and give her a warm hug, customary amongts us 'sisters'. And, with such a sincere embrace, I thanked Allah (Swt) for granting me this opportunity to show what often goes unseen - good character - a beauty of Islam.

Allah (Swt), is as His servant thinks He is

Last week, I was blessed with a gift. Something that ... to be completely honest - could only have been from Allah (Swt).

There are a small amount of sisters, of whom, I've been honoured to meet their acquaintances. These sisters are not covered from head-to-toe neither do they have an immense amount of 'ilm (knowledge), but they have left with me precious jewels. These sisters have taught me what it means to show gratitude; devotion and to completely place oneself at the mercy of one's Lord - trusting in Him, like none else.

So, along with these beautiful sisters I embarked upon a task, one just for my Lord (Swt). Many people were convinced that the task ahead of us (9 muslimahs) was unrealistic and running on nothing but false hopes. However, with something that normally took years to achieve, the head of our group was adamant and completely convinced that we would and could do it in just three months... Our critics knew that this, if at all possible, would need sacrifice, dedication and devotion like never before. Although we completely agreed with this, there was just one thing they failed to realise ... above all of these significant qualities, was a quality that, in our hearts, rose far and beyond ... tawakkul - trust.

I thank my Lord (Swt), my Protector, my Beloved ... though doubt, insha'Allah, didn't enter my mind, when we received the wonderful news I was in a state of shock; not because I doubted my Lord's capability (may Allah protect me from such a thing), but, I - we - felt a sense of honour beyond anything words could possibly describe. Tears overtook me, as I wept like a baby; my heart filled with love and sincere awe of my Lord (Swt). I realised (as I tend to be reminded with every situation with which this occurs), that my Lord (Swt), despite whatever the situation may be, will, most definately, always make a way out of every situation ... for those that truly trust in Him (Swt).

Do not let it be a mere thought dear readers... rather, let it be a concrete convinction, insha'Allah. And ... may it always be so, ameen.

An Inevitable Awakening

I awoke this morning, in the midst of the night, grateful for another day to go on.

But something remained lingering, at the back of my mind; the inevitable soon to be shown.

Such a profound realisation, is not given to all but truly only bestowed upon a few.

Dear companions fillah, very soon death will choose.

But the question isn't when ... it's whom?

©Feb 2007 Umm Thameenah

The destroyer of desires ... a lesson for us all.

A few months ago, a dear sister and companion of mine gave me some heart-breaking and unexpected news... her dad was very ill and had been given a few months to live.

I remember when she told me, I felt somewhat numb and disturbed - why? - only once before had I been aware of someone being told that their precious time was slowly drifitng away; and that person (may Allah have mercy upon them, ameen) passed away within months. Thus to hear this again, I didn't quite know how to handle it, but for sure I was not going to let it pass me by without taking heed.

She sent me a message, over a month ago; a simple and yet profound reminder on the reality of death and the uncertainty of life. I could sense through the undertone of the message that something was not quite right... and a few days later, she sent out a message asking sisters to make du'a for her abu - her beloved dad - for he had returned to The Beloved (Swt), The Creator of the Heavens and the Earth... our Lord (Swt).

I sent a message of condolence, trying very hard to be as careful as possile with my choice of words. Though she and her sister kindly accepted and thanked me for 'my continuous du'as (supplications)', 'love and support', I knew there was nothing I could have done or said to take away her pain. [sigh]

What we forget is that we're all in the same boat. Each and every one of us is nearing towards our death, but whether we choose to accept it or not is another matter. The difference between us is that some have been given a wonderful gift - 'the gift of anticipation'. Though terminally ill servants of Allah (Swt) do not know the exact time or place of their death (though they're given some sort of 'indication'), they naturally begin to prepare for it, as they are constantly awaiting the inevitable. All they are reminded of its death, and though we too know we must meet the same fate, we assume ours will take place when we'r good and ready.

So I ask you . . . who is most certainly better off? We or they?

I read my dear companion's message on dealing with the death of her dad and as much as I tried to hold back my tears, they gushed forth like a riverbank... and she states:

"My family and I knew that this day would come, we tried to prepare, but we made a mistake of preparing alone at first. Sometimes we need others to help prepare us, not just for death but the journey towards it. I read a quote, not sure where, it read “We are not living, but dying slowly”… how true, how simple yet how easy to forget.

"My non Muslim friend asked me if I was angry! Never did that emotion come into my heart, although you do feel a wave of emotions filling your heart and soul, anger is not one of them. I think one of the reasons why it didn’t is because I had comfort in knowing that he has gone to a better place, there were many good signs of his end, and till this day there is still a source of comfort when I think back on those signs. All of us have to go one day, Allah saw it fit to take my daddy at this time. He gave me the best thing in the world, Allah gave me the best dad, in ways which no one but me will understand. When the time was right, when Allah knew I was able to handle it, He took my dad to the next stage of his life. My mum says it feels like he’s gone somewhere and we will see him soon. I replied and said that’s exactly what it is, he’s gone to Allah, his journey in this life has ended, but as for us, we still have travelling to do, how long that will take, we don’t know. That’s why we must take as much provisions and prepare as much as we can for death."

I can't envisage what she and her family must be going through, not even an atoms weight. I have never experienced death in my family, and though sisters often think that's a great blessing - yes, masha'Allah most certainly. However, I just can't help but think "the longer you grow with people the harder it becomes to say goodbye". When that time comes, by Allah (Swt) it'll be nothing but an absolute test of faith... and one that I pray, like my dear comapnion, I'll have the courage and strength to accept for the sake of my Lord (Swt), ameen.